I'm Walking Away...

Just over three years ago, I became involved in the rescue community, and finally found what my life had been missing for so long…a purpose.  After that very first foster experience (Heidi and the barracudas), I finally realized what I had been put on this earth to do.  I fostered many times over the last three years.  One of the very best days of my life was foster failing with Ollie.  My heart has been broken so many times (for example, Riley) when my foster moves on to their forever home, but seeing those dogs finally get their forever made it all worth it. 

Unfortunately, all of that is coming to an end.  And I’m walking away.  It’s not a decision I take lightly, and to say I’m devastated is the understatement of the century.  But it’s what has to happen. 

The fact is, the last three times we’ve had fosters for longer than one night, things have happened.  Bad things.  In October, the day Boscoe was adopted, Tucker had his incident.  In December, Simon was adopted, but Tucker had been battling abnormal kidney levels as well as hair loss.  Thankfully a food change righted that.  And now, with our current foster, Tucker has begun to go after Ollie. Last night and this morning, Tucker mounted and began to fight Ollie.  Ollie didn’t immediately submit, so it escalated.  We were able to break each incident up, but it was beyond scary.  Tucker also went after the foster this morning when she got too close to his ball.  She immediately backed down, but that was the end of it for me.  They are all now separated, and unfortunately, our foster is being returned to rescue.

I’m heartbroken.  I’ve NEVER returned a dog to rescue.  I’ve stuck by my fosters, no matter how many blankets they shredded, how many times they had accidents in the house, or how many times I was woken up in the middle of the night.  It’s part of the process.  It’s what I do.  But not anymore.

I feel like I failed.  I feel like I failed Athena (our foster).  I feel like I failed all of the dogs that won’t get to come to our home.  But mostly I feel like I failed my own dogs, for not listening to them when they so clearly said “mama, we don’t like having fosters for more than one night”.  I was blinded by the fact that they are DAMN GOOD foster brothers, and have helped out so many dogs.  But just because they’re good at it, doesn’t mean they enjoy it.  I can’t ignore them any longer.

At this point, I’m not even sure what’s going on between Tucker and Ollie is fixable.  I think it is, and I think with time and work, we can get back to normal.  But I don’t really know… I don’t know if adding a third adult dog shook up the pack dynamic to the point Tucker felt he needed to assert his dominance over Ollie.  I don’t know if it’s a medical issue that hasn’t been diagnosed.  I truly don’t know what’s going on.  What I DO know is we have zero issues when there isn’t a third dog in the house and since the common denominator seems to be fostering, I'm walking away...

I have a call in to the vet, and have emailed a dog trainer, as well as a trusted dog friend.  I WILL get to the bottom of this, and I WILL do what is best for my dogs.  For the time being (and the unforeseeable future), that means no fosters.  None.  Zip, Zero, Zilch.  I’m hoping a foster free home will allow things to go back to normal.  If not, vet visits will be in order and training will be done.  I will do whatever is needed, and will stand by my dogs 100%.  As much as I’ll miss fostering, they come first, and that’s all there is to it.

Having said all this, does NOT mean I’m leaving the rescue world.  I just have to take a different angle.  I will still help run Doghousing,Inc. and will get involved in other ways.  Maybe it’s time to start volunteering at a local shelter, or start transporting.  I’m not sure where I’ll go from here, but I know the options are out there. 

I’m have no doubt I’ll have critics of my decision, and that’s okay.  There’s always drama in rescue anyway, so I’m used to it.  But I feel like it’s necessary to be completely transparent, and to let people know WHY I’m going to be saying no when asked to foster. The bottom line is I must do what’s best for me and for my boys, and I stand firmly by the decision I made today.  

My name is Ashley, and I'm a Foster Failure...

When you start fostering, everyone warns you about the one you won't be able to give up...the one you will "fail" with.  Failure is defined as: 

1.

an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success

2.

nonperformance of something due, required, or expected

This definition seems so negative...but as a foster failure, I can assure you it is the very BEST way to fail.  I've mentioned before about a special little guy who entered our lives...although every foster I've had has touched my heart, this one completely stole it, and refused to let go.  This is Ollie's story...

We'd had a sting of puppies...Levi & Lily, Joe, Barley...and had decided it really was time for a break...side note: in the "foster world" you say you are on a break...but they NEVER last as long as you planned!  Anyway, during this "break" I came across these pictures on the KC Pet Project Facebook Page.  I knew instantly break time was over....

FREEDOM RIDE!!!

Before I could contact the shelter to offer to foster him, I found out he had been rescued by Erin's Midwest Animal ResQ.  One of the fosters for this organization, Lori Beam, had sprung him from doggie jail.  I immediately emailed the awesome director, Erin Morse, and put in my application to foster him.  I was approved pretty quick, and got to pick up my new project the next day (Sunday, April 15).  When I first got him, I was shocked at his appearance...the shelter said he was about 3 months old, but after Erin and her vet examined him, they determined he was closer to 5 months old as he had lost most of his baby teeth.  He weighed 14.2 pounds...at 5 months old...he was skin and bones and he had patches of hair missing from having fleas.   This little guy was a total mess!  He also had a touch of kennel cough, which is very common in dogs from shelter environments.  I learned that my little Ollie had been through SO much in his short life.  He had been seized by animal control due to cruelty and neglect.  He had to be held at the shelter as "evidence" and was even smaller when he first came in.  Even with all that he'd been through, he was such a happy dog.  I was so excited to bring him in to my home and get him fattened up and ready for his forever home.

Play time!

I got Ollie back to the house and introduced Tucker to his new foster brother.  They were immediately smitten with each other and began playing. Tucker is the best foster brother and knows just how to play with each dog.  He seems to know just what each one needs.  They played for a while, napped, played some more, and napped again.  Ollie was settling in perfectly.  Later that night, Erin called and told me KC Pet Project had puppies break with Parvo.  My heart sank. This little guy's immune system was already compromised and I knew if he got Parvo, he probably wouldn't make it.  She thought that between the vaccines he got at the shelter and the fact that he'd been out a few days before the Parvo came in, he would likely be fine, but to keep an eye on him.  

Cuddling with a sick pup...

Foster mama, I don't feel good... :(

That night his coughing got worse, and he didn't want to eat much.  I chalked it up to being in a new home and an afternoon of playing.  All he wanted to do was lay on me and sleep.  While I absolutely LOVED this cuddle time, I was starting to worry more and more.  He slept on my chest that night.  His breathing was very labored and he couldn't seem to get comfortable.  I stayed awake for most of the night, as I was terrified he would take his last breath.  I was prepared to rush him to the ER vet at any moment.  We made it through the night, but he was worse the next morning (Monday).  I called Erin and rushed him to her house...I really thought at any moment he would just quit breathing on me...and I would have killed my foster dog!  I got him there and she took a look...We were both thinking Parvo...she tried to get him to eat some wet food...he gulped it up!  Big sigh of relief, as that is the best way to "test" for Parvo.  She decided it was most likely just a REALLY bad case of kennel cough.  She gave him a steroid shot, an antibiotic shot, and we continued on with our treatment plan.  I got him home and was completely devastated to have to leave him.  Luckily Billy was able to go home early and keep an eye on him...he said Ollie seemed to be doing a little better, but still didn't wasn't the puppy I'd brought home.  He was eating a little bit of wet food here and there, and would drink pedialyte.  Tucker was SO great during all of this.  He would curl up next to Ollie and sleep with him...I was hoping Ollie would finally start to turn the corner...but that night he got even worse.
Tuesday morning came, and he wouldn't even move.  I had to pick him up to take him outside to do his business, pick him up to come inside.  I had no choice but to take him to the vet.  I had to wait until 8 am, when they opened....the clock was moving slow as molasses!  Ollie and I cuddled on the couch until it was time to go.  I was, again, so scared at what the vet would tell me.  It was my first time at Independence Animal Hospital, and they were SO nice to us.  Dr. Wingert could sense how scared I was and reassured me I was doing everything right.  He did the exam, ruled out Parvo for sure, and decided that he most likely had one of the worst cases of Kennel Cough he'd ever seen, and a touch of pneumonia.  Dr. Wingert gave Ollie another steroid shot, another antibiotic shot, upped the antibiotics Ollie was currently taking, and started us on another antibiotic.  I got Ollie home and settled in his kennel, and finally felt like we were on our way to a healthy pup...
Billy went home early again and sent me a video of Ollie and Tucker playing in the back yard.  My little miracle pup was on the mend!  We still needed to keep him fairly calm so he could get to 100%, but we were FINALLY out of the woods!  Over the next couple weeks, Ollie really came out of his shell and started to put on weight.  His little ribs and butt bones were starting to disappear under his skin and his hair was filling in.  Tucker and Ollie would race all over the house together.  

I was already in love...and so was Tucker.  I kept telling myself that I couldn't keep him...that he deserved a loving home of his own...that fostering would change forever if I kept him.  I was dragging out getting his neuter done...he needed to gain weight, he was still coughing...any excuse to keep him with me longer.  I was working on preparing myself to put him up for adoption when I had a request to do a home visit for an out of state rescue.  The director of that rescue needed to know how the kids were around dogs and what I thought of the home/family.  I decided to take Ollie with me.  Ollie did GREAT.  The kids fell in love with him.  The parents wanted to know if they could adopt him.  I was so not prepared for that!  They had applied for a dog from Nebraska!  They couldn't adopt my Ollie Pup!  I quickly said, "Um, well, he's not quite ready for adoption yet...he is still working on getting healthy and needs to be neutered."  The mom asked that I keep her updated on when he was available.  YIKES.  I cried the whole way home.  I couldn't imagine parting with my miracle pup!  Ollie licked my face as if to say, "it's okay mama, I already know I'm home...you're just now realizing it!"  It became CRYSTAL CLEAR that day that Ollie wasn't going anywhere.
Erin asked if I was ready to put him up for adoption and schedule his neuter...I told her yes on the neuter, and absolutely not on the adoption!  This little boy was home...we had been through so much together.  Tucker showed me a completely different side of himself with Ollie...he was great with all our other fosters, but with Ollie he was on another level.  Tucker knew that Ollie was meant to be his little brother.  They both knew Ollie was home long before I did.  On April 30th, it was official....Ollie was ADOPTED!  I finalized the paperwork a couple days later.
Ollie has been such a wonderful addition to our family.  He's such a sweet dog and is attached to my hip when I'm home.  He was by my side through my recent break up.  He would rather be cuddled up with me than anywhere else.  I couldn't have dreamed up a better little brother for my Tucker Boy.  We're a little family of three now, and I couldn't be happier.  Those two pups are my world.  Ollie is almost a year old and you would never know he was once a neglected little 14 pound pup.  He's almost as big as his big brother and still growing more and more each day.  
Ollie has taken after his big brother is so many ways, but I'm most proud of the foster brother he's become.  He welcomes dogs in and LOVES to have new playmates.  He's on the submissive side, while Tucker, can at times, be territorial.  Right now, we aren't taking in any fosters, as we had to move in with Grandma & Grandpa for a little bit...but once we're in a house of our own, the Wagner Foster Home will be back open for business!  Here's some of Ollie (and Tucker's) former foster siblings...

Dottie and Ollie snoozing after playtime

Lola (Ollie's "girlfriend") and Ollie waiting for a treat

Barley, Tucker, and Ollie wanting in.

People are often scared to foster because they're scared they will "fail".  Truth be told, I could have failed with any of them...especially Riley.  Because Riley was my first, I made myself give her up.  But looking back, I know that was the right thing to do.  Had Ollie been my first, there is no doubt I would have failed.  Ollie was meant to be in my and Tucker's life forever.  You will know if they're meant to be with you or not.  They will know long before you do...but what's meant to be will be...and Ollie is living proof of that.

Mama and her babies...

Tired after the dog park!

Nap time after a play date

You don't have to go to work, Mama!  Stay with us!

Lola-ADOPTED!

I know, I know...I'm SO far behind in Blog posts.  I need to post pictures of Wendall.  I teased about a new little guy that entered our life in April, which I need to write about...he actually ended up being a foster failure and became the newest member of the Wagner Clan.  Then there was Barley, my first foster with Erin's Midwest Animal ResQ.  My mid year resolution is to get caught up...and part of that includes writing about our fosters as we have them...especially the ones up for adoption!   On that note...meet Lola!

Lola was saved from the Kansas City, MO Shelter with only 2 1/2 hours to live on June 19, 2012.  She had made the shelter's "urgent list" because she was a hyper girl and they were having trouble introducing her to other dogs.  She had actually been adopted at an adoption event, but was returned to the shelter just TWO hours later because she didn't immediately get along with the family's other dog.  She is a Pocket Shar Pei/Pit Mix (about 35 pounds), who is only about a year old, and had spent three months of her young life confined to that yucky shelter.  Her time was up.  I knew it would be tough, but this sweet girl didn't deserve to die.  The great people at Unleashed Pet Rescue and Adoption agreed to bring her in to their program but needed foster.  That's where we came in!

The fantastic trainer at KC Pet Project brought Lola to our house just hours after she was supposed to die.  She bounded out of the car and was dragging the trainer to me.  My first thought was, "good lord, what have I gotten myself in to?!?"  I gave her some pets and got my first sloppy pittie kiss.  We let both of my dogs come out to meet her.  She was immediately taken with Ollie and they played so well together during that very first meeting.    Shannon, the KC Pet Project Trainer, commented on how surprised she was with her behavior.  

After Lola had met both of our pups, I took her on a walk, and got her all set up in her kennel in our bedroom.  She was spastic, stinky, and (for lack of better words) hell on wheels.  But she had this twinkle in her eye that just beamed utter gratitude.  She did great her first night in the kennel.  We went on a long walk the next morning.  She got a big breakfast and a bowl of fresh water.  We were establishing consistency and a routine, something this little girl had clearly never had in her life.

Since that first night, Lola has come so far.  She is the sweetest girl and the very best cuddle bug.  She gives amazing pittie kisses.  When you come in to view, her entire body shakes with excitement.  She has learned to sit and is getting better on her leash each and every day.

BIG SMILE!

Initially, she was kept separate from our dogs, other than occasional supervised play time outside.  Tucker, to this day, isn't sure what to think, so they only hang out when both are leashed.  Ollie, on the other hand, has decided that Lola is the coolest thing since sliced bread his new girlfriend.  He patiently waits outside the bedroom door for me to let him in for play time.  They wrestle and zoom around the room, through the bathroom, to the guest room.  Lola graduated from having a leash held to dragging the leash.  Now, she doesn't have to wear a leash when she plays with Ollie!  She is easily redirected from play time to "sit".  Lola constantly has a smile on her face.  It's easy to see why Ollie is so smitten!  

Last night I learned that the smile she so often wears hides a very painful past.  I had already seen the scars. I just assumed the outward wounds came from a life on the streets. She has a cropped tail, as she came in to the shelter with hers broken. She is missing a toe nail on one of her back feet. She had eye surgery for Entropion  (the inward rolling of the eyelid).  But last night, I got a glimpse of the internal pain she has endured.  She had an accident while I was finishing making the bed.  I just needed a few more minutes!  100% my fault.  I scolded her with a "no", and went to put my dogs out, so I could take her out.  She ran from me with her tail tucked.  She then sulked back to me with her tail tucked and a "okay, just get it over with" look on her face.  My heart broke.  I pet her, but she quickly retreated to her kennel and hid as far back as she could.  I was shocked.  This energetic, sweet girl, who always seemed so happy was now TERRIFIED of me.  I got some treats and coaxed her out of the kennel.  I gave her lots of pets and she came around.  Lola seems to know right from wrong.  But she apparently also has a belief that if she makes an "oops", bad things are going to happen.  She's now learning that she won't be beat.  She won't be punished.  She won't be thrown outside.  She won't be abandoned.  Needless to say, she got extra play time with her boyfriend, Ollie.

Sitting Pretty for a Treat with Ollie!

Lola is amazing, and a true testament to a dog's resilience.  She came to me a dog that was mere hours away from death.  She came as a dog that we weren't sure could be placed in a home with another dog.  She was a dog that probably shouldn't be around kids.  She clearly had experienced a great deal of pain already, making her defensive with some dogs and at times leery of humans.  Her choices of a forever family were pretty limited.  All of that has changed.  Now she has SO many options of that perfect family.  She would do amazing with another dog in the home that likes to play and wrestle with her.  I would still recommend a slow introduction so she can get used to her surroundings.  She'll be okay with children in the home, just as long as they aren't super young, or don't mind being knocked over with her wiggle butt.  She is mostly house trained (when foster mama pays attention, she's great!) and kennel trained.  She loves to go for walks and play with her foster brother, but is also content curling up with you for a nap.  She would make a great running buddy.  I seriously cannot say enough great things about Lola.  She has really bonded to me (and foster dad, too!), and I have definitely fallen in love.  She is my first foster pit, and she has far exceeded my expectations.  As much as I love her, my job is about done.  It's time for her to find her forever mama and her happily ever after.  No one deserves it more than this sweet girl.

UPDATE!!!

Lola was ADOPTED!!!  She is now living the good life and has a mom and dad of her very own.